When in doubt, offer a choice.

We’ve all been there. The socks are on the wrong way. The toast is too crunchy. The meltdown is brewing—and the day hasn’t even started.

When children resist directions—whether it’s getting dressed, eating what’s offered, or navigating big emotions—it’s rarely about defiance. It’s about communication, autonomy, and unmet needs. And one of the most powerful tools we have in these moments is choice.

Research shows that offering children structured choices:

• Promotes autonomy and reduces power struggles

• Supports emotional regulation by giving a sense of control

• Builds trust and cooperation, especially in neurodivergent children

Importantly, choice doesn’t mean giving in. It means offering agency within safe, clear boundaries.

Getting Dressed

Instead of “Put your clothes on now,” try: “Would you like to wear the dinosaur shirt or the blue one?” or “Do you want to get dressed here or in the lounge?”

Mealtimes

Instead of “Eat what’s on your plate,” try: “Would you like your veggies separate or mixed?” or “Do you want to choose your spoon or fork?”

During a Meltdown

Instead of “Calm down,” try: “Would you like a hug or some space?” or “Do you want to sit with me or go to your quiet space?”

These choices don’t fix everything—but they shift the dynamic. They say: “I see you. You matter.” And that message, repeated in small moments, builds resilience and connection.

For Families Navigating Complex Needs

For children with disabilities, sensory sensitivities, or communication differences, choice can be a lifeline. Visual supports, AAC tools, and predictable routines make choice accessible and empowering. Even when the answer is “no,” the invitation to choose builds trust.

When directions aren’t followed, it’s easy to feel frustrated. But every “no” is a chance to pause, reframe, and offer a choice. Not to control the outcome—but to nurture the relationship. Because in the end, connection is the goal. And choice is one of the gentlest ways to get there.